Not What You Want
by readyfortigers
Summary: Effy doesn’t like this game, loathes it really. Except she’s pretty sure Emily has no idea they’re even playing.


**AN**: This isn't related to "Like a White Flag" at all. It just happens to be in the same voice and from Effy's perspective. I'm not one hundred percent on this, but I've been tweaking it ad nauseam. Please tell me if it's not working.

The title comes from the song "Not What You Want" by Cat Power. The story wasn't inspired by the song, but it fits very well.

Thank you to the readers who reviewed my last story. I really do appreciate feedback, and it helps me know what is and isn't working, so please review.

________________

"It's all we have," Emily says, in both defense and apology, handing Effy a bottle of Wickham Fumé. She knows Effy prefers red wine.

Effy couldn't care less about the wine, would gladly share a bottle of washing-up liquid if it meant spending time with Emily. She doesn't say that, though. Just glances at the half rolled spliff, before opening the bottle and taking a long swallow.

"Katie will be out in a bit," Emily says, concentrating on the task at hand. "Just finishing her makeup and the brownies."

Effy only likes Katie for her brownies, would say as much if it wasn't pointless. She puts the bottle on the ground between them, eyes darkening as she watches Emily's tongue dart out to lick the paper. Effy thinks she wouldn't mind being reincarnated as rolling paper, wishes she was that paper at Emily's mercy. Then cocks an eyebrow at such a thought. Emily misinterprets the gesture and passes the spliff to Effy.

"Here. All done."

Effy slowly puts it to her lips. She faintly tastes chocolate and quells the urge to pounce on Emily in hopes of tasting more. She wants Emily closer, so she pulls out a matchbook. Just like that, Emily's in front of her, plucking the book from her fingers.

"Let me?"

Effy nods, not at all remorseful for playing on Emily's worries about Effy's predisposition to arson.

Emily smells like citrus and chocolate, looks rather beautiful in firelight, Effy thinks. She takes a long hit to keep from growling, then offers the joint to Emily.

She focuses on Emily's lips around the spliff, then smiles in amusement as Emily becomes engaged in a comical coughing fit. The scene only gets more entertaining as Emily drops the spliff with a particularly violent cough and takes a swig of wine before retrieving the spliff and passing it to Effy like nothing's happened.

"Smooth. Yeah, Em?" Effy says, hair falling into her face as she shakes with laughter.

Emily's face clashes with her hair as she offers an embarrassed smile. "Shut up," Emily rasps and throws some weeds at Effy. "It's _really_ strong," she defends and takes another swig of wine.

Effy shakes the leaves out of her hair and pushes down the pang of want that comes with hearing Emily's raspy voice, that bit raspier.

"Only the best, right?" She manages, while running a hand through her hair. She wants to frown at the longing in her voice. Instead, she takes a pull, holding her breath and the joint away from Emily.

"Best wait 'til you get your sea legs, Em," she says around a plume of smoke.

"Ha. Ha."

Emily leans closer. Effy's not sure if Emily's after her or the spliff, hopes it's her. She closes her eyes, feels Emily's fingers in her hair, and realizes she needs to change her knickers. She takes another pull to distract herself, and opens her eyes as she feels Emily return to her own spot on in the grass. Emily's twirling the stem of some unfortunate foliage between her fingers. Effy exhales and passes the spliff.

"Missed a bit." Emily discards the stem in favor of the drugs and smiles gratefully at Effy.

Effy doesn't like this game, loathes it really. Except she's pretty sure Emily has no idea they're even playing.

"Hey, Ef?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever wish things were different?"

Normally, Effy likes Emily's desire to contemplate when she's stoned, but not now. Effy wants to cry, wishes her feelings were as obvious as Katie's self-importance. She doesn't know what to say, so she shrugs, reaching for the spliff.

"You can tell me, Ef."

"E-" Effy stops at the hopeful look on Emily's face. It can't mean what she thinks it does.

"Sorry, I'm late," she hears from behind her, knows who it is by the sound of a jangling necklace. And then Emily's up and kissing Naomi. "There was this article on Human Rights in Uzbekistan that I couldn't put down."

Effy rolls her eyes as she takes another drag, wanting to finish the spliff.

"Hello, Effy."

"Hey."

"Must have been some article," Emily says, pulling Naomi over to where Effy's seated.

"Oh, it was. I emailed it to you."

"Thanks, babe." Emily shoots Effy an incredulous look, Effy smiles glad to share something else with her.

"I actually have a copy in my bag, if you want read it now?"

"Bit too high, 'm afraid," Effy offers.

Naomi nods, necklace shimmering in the moonlight. "Probably best to wait. Get the full brunt with a clear head."

"Exactly," Effy and Emily say in tandem and share another smile. Effy wishes it meant more than it does. She looks at the bottle of wine and is hit with the devastating realization that sharing drinks and drugs is the closest she'll ever get to kissing Emily.

She wordlessly finishes the spliff before downing the rest of the bottle. If this is all Emily's going to give her, then Effy's not going to share.


End file.
